How to Find Friends as an Adult
/Last September, I drove to Dallas to give a presentation about personal growth and goals at the first-ever Wheatful Woman Event. I’ve been working with my friend Brittany Goff and the Wheat and Honey Co. brand for a few years, so speaking at this event was a natural fit. And while my workshop primarily focused on how women can intentionally move forward using their God-given gifts, dreams, and unique experiences, I also took a few minutes to talk about my own struggles and takeaways from finding meaningful friendships.
As the girl who didn’t have a true best friend (and by true I mean that one person to call and cry with you in your car after a bad day) throughout high school or college, I’m passionate about helping other women find meaningful, authentic relationships.
To my surprise, I had more people reach out to me during and after the conference to talk about the topic of friendships than the idea of purpose. Women from across the country also felt the sting and confusion of not having a “person” and wanted to know how to find and continually invest in fruitful friends. Because here’s what most of us know...
Finding and maintaining good friendships, especially as an adult, is hard work.
I’ve spent years investing in people, some that I’m still blessed with today, and some that fizzled out after a while, and I know how intimidating it can be to start seeking connections with good, growth-focused women. Because much like intentional dating, finding friends to do life with requires time, discernment, patience, and a lot of practice.
So, why do it?
For starters, the Bible has lots to say about the importance of good friendships. Proverbs 27:17 says that as iron sharpens iron, so can one person sharpen another. Proverbs 13:20 says that if we walk with the wise, we inherit their wisdom. And in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, we read that two are better than one so that if we fall, we can lift each other up.
Good friends sharpen us, give us wisdom, and lift us up when we get knocked down.
Not only that, but there’s something beautiful about knowing someone knows you, loves you, and has your back. Safety, security, and authenticity are all characteristics of good friendships. But it’s not as easy as finding a friendship and watching it grow.
If you want relationships that produce fruit for your life you have to be willing to tend the soil and water the plant. Because like any good thing, things that are worth having are worthy of you working your butt off for them.
So, now that we’ve covered why it’s important that you find good friends and work for them, let’s talk about how to find and invest in good friends.
Steps for Finding and Investing in Fruitful Relationships
Take Inventory and Plan Six Months to Invest in Your Current Friendships.
First, make a list. I’m talking pen to paper. Write out all the relationships in your life, no matter how long they’ve been around or how deep your current friendship is. Think about work, church, old friends, new friends, women from your gym, neighbors on your block, you name it. Do you have your list? Next, choose the people you want to invest in. I got this tip from Instagram influencer Hilary Rushford, and I still swear by it. For six months, make a point to go deep in your relationships. This is a GREAT goal for the new year. Make a list of up to six people you want to invest in and build deeper friendships with (the list can be less than that, but not more than six). Each week, try to reach out to these people via text, phone calls, cards, or in-person meet-ups. After three months, look back on your list and see who’s reciprocated your effort and intention. Maybe some people have naturally weeded themselves out. Maybe they’ve been replaced organically by new friends who have put their time into you. Either way, use the next three months to keep investing in your friendships and see where they go! After six months, you should have a clear understanding of who your people are, and whether or not you need to keep searching for fruitful friendships.
Search for New Friends Using Technology
When it’s time to start expanding your circle, technology is your friend. While technology, specifically social media, can get a bad rap for its addictive and toxic tendencies, it’s a goldmine of a resource when it comes to finding new friends. Reach out to that acquaintance on Facebook or an interesting stranger on Instagram and see if she wants to meet for coffee. Join a local Facebook community group or Meet-Up for things in common with your interests and attend one of their events. Or, try a friend match-making app like Bumble BFF to find new people in your specific area.
Put Yourself Out There
This requires some vulnerability but the risk will bring reward. If you want to meet great people, you have to go where the people are. Join a local group or book club. Attend a women’s networking event. Knock on your neighbor’s door and bring a small gift to get to know her. And no matter how you choose to connect, be willing to introduce yourself first. As my personal BFF says, everyone is just as uncomfortable as you. The good news is, the more you practice putting yourself out there to make new friends, the easier it will be.
Ask for Help or Connections
Let your connections know that you’re looking to meet new people. Tell your social media followers that you’re wanting to expand your circle and ask if any like-minded people want to get together. You can even set a meeting with your church pastor or outreach director for events and community groups. This tip requires you to be purposeful in your pursuit of good, Christian friendships. Your church can be a great resource for finding new friends, but you have to be the one who makes the first move. Reach out to your pastor or connections pastor and ask them to help you plug in with people in your church. They’ll most likely know of events or community groups happening for people in similar seasons and can help you make a warm connection with the person in charge of the group or event.
Finding and pursuing fruitful friendships is hard work, but the pay-off is worth the effort ten-fold.
Joyful Takeaway: When it comes to meeting new people, everyone is just as uncomfortable as you.
This post is edited and repurposed from the original blog post for Wheat and Honey Co.